This week’s Miscreant Roundup begins with Dim Teen Theater, where we attempt to recreate the conversations that may have resulted from the crimes in the Strib’s blotter.

SCENE ONE. Dialogue first, then the crime.

Conversation in a car, speeding away from a gas station.

“Whoa, I can’t believe we got away with it . Let’s go do it again!”

“No, let’s try another store.”

“Why? We know that one backwards and forwards, dude. You know how some doors open out, and others you have to push in? Well I know those doors now. There’s no losing precious getaway time because you push and it turns out, it’s a pull.”

“So which is it?”

“What?”

“The door going out.”

“It’s a push. No, it’s - well, it doesn’t matter. Once I get there, I’ll know.”

“Except last time you walked out the door someone had just used to come in.”

“So?”

“So you didn’t push or pull. So you don’t know.”

“Dude I’ll figure it out when we get there, okay? Stop stressin’. Look, I got a good feeling about the store,  okay? It’s like it’s lucky for us or something. Besides, you need gas.”

“How come it’s I need gas when the gauge is on E, and it’s let’s go for a ride when you want to go somewhere?”

“What?”

“Nothing. Okay, we’ll go back.”

The Crime: "Theft, then another attempt. Two Lakeville officers responded to a report from a grocery store of some juveniles who had stolen multiple packs of cigarettes and fled the area in a van. While checking the area for the fleeing vehicle, the squad was advised by dispatch that the store had called back to report the suspects had returned. Apparently the suspects had not noticed the squads in the area and returned to steal more cigarettes. The officers took them into custody and charged all three with theft."

SCENE TWO

Drugs. Students from Chaska High School went on a field trip in Burnsville. While returning to the school, a student claimed to have found a drug pipe on the bus. The pipe was passed to another student who allegedly smoked marijuana from it while on the bus. The drug pipe was later found on the bus. Three male students were referred to juvenile court for possession of drug paraphernalia.

“Why, look at this, Chip - what is it? Is this one of those drug pipes we’re heard so much about?”

“Looks like it, Tom - and it has drugs, too! We’d better smoke them to make sure they’re not illegal drugs.”

“Gosh, Chip, won’t the teacher notice?”

“I don’t think so, Tom - I sprayed half a can of Axe on myself this morning, and that should mask any tell-tale odors.”

SCENE THREE

“Bomb threat. A bomb threat was received at the Pioneer Ridge Freshmen Center, 1085 Pioneer Trail. On April 8, two students were arrested.”

We now take you to the arrest, already in progress.

“How’d they know it was us? We disguised our voices and chose fake names at random out of the phone book.”

“I guess that doesn’t affect Caller ID after all.”

------

If you’re wondering if there’s an opposite to “fishing for compliments, well, yes.

“Suspicious activity. Someone called police to report a person was fishing near County Road 19 and Lakeshore Drive. Police checked to make sure the person was not fishing for walleye or violating any other regulations. The person was fishing for crappies.”

There’s a phrase you can use for someone who’s acting like a king-hell jerk: well, she’s fishing for crappies today.

-----

I’m not sure why I see the guy with a beer in one hand and a plaid shirt over a T -shirt, but I just do:

“Fire. Police were called to a grass fire on the 3900 block of Chippewa Circle. The homeowner was using a torch to thaw his frozen culvert and grass in the ditch caught fire.”

-----

“Suspicious vehicle. Police found an occupied suspicious vehicle on Sunnyside Road. The people in the vehicle said they were star-gazing. Officers advised them to leave the area.”

Well, hon, we may not be able to see the stars tonight, but no one can keep us from admiring the m - HEY! HEY!

“Property damage. Two boys, ages 13 and 14, were playing in the yard of a home on the 5000 block of Larch Lane N., and "mooned" a vehicle driving by,  police said. The driver drove up on the lawn and damaged the grass.”

----

Finally:

“Assist the public. A woman came to the police station and said she had purchased a bag of plastic eggs on the 2000 block of County Road 24. When she opened the package, one of the eggs contained vegetable matter that was covered in mold. She was concerned it was hashish or marijuana. An officer tested the substance and it was neither.”

I’m wondering about the testing part. "Hold on, Ma’am, I need to give this the Garcia Field Test to see if it contains any TLC. Yes, that’s the active ingredient."

It’s hard not to imagine this call in a Mary McGoon voice.