STUFF AHEAD

PONDER STOPPING SOON

CAUTION: BRIDGE ELEVATED

Keep comin' back, folks, I gotta million of 'em!

Uneven Pavement
..kinda like the haircuts Mom gave you.

RIGHT LANE LEFT TURN ONLY

CAUTION

Bridge designed, approved, overseen by incompetent Bush Administration officials, and built in 12 months. Use at own risk.

SLOW CHILDREN AHEAD (it's not enough that they aren't too bright, you have to put up a sign?)

I like the idea of our signs being in "Minnesotan"...

IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO STOP RIGHT HERE, BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?

instead of speed limit signs, if they were really Minnesotan they'd say: WE LIKE TO KEEP FOLKS UNDER 70 MPH HERE.

FALLING ROCK?

Alternative Road Conditions Ahead

Yield, or Not

Speed Enforced by Rodan

MERGE (OR NOT)

ACUMINATE THOROUGHFARE SEVEN FURLONGS HENCE

THAT WAS A SPEED BUMP

THE TURNOFF FOR THAT OLD HIGHWAY THAT GOES TO YUMA (US-80 OR WHATEVER) IS COMING UP NEXT SO YOU BETTER KEEP AN EYE OUT -- OOPS, TOO LATE.

V-TURN ONLY

Jon, ExurbanLeague.com

The Washington Post ran a contest about this back in August of last year.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/18/AR2006081800635.html?nav=rss_print/style

If you follow the link, you can not only see the winner (very Beltway specific), but a glorious full color rendition of the Worst Painting Ever Painted.
The challenge was to supply the words for those changable highway message boards. Warning: some of these may be Washington Beltway specific.

Also, the Zippy entry was actualy incorporated into a Zippy strip.

ENTERING NYC
INCREASE
SPEAKING SPEED

REPORT
PHONE-USING DRIVERS
CALL 202-555-3147

HONK IF YOU'RE
AN IMPATIENT MORON

REST STOP CLOSED
CROSS LEGS
NEXT 23 MILES

SHOW US
YOUR HEADLIGHTS!

IF YOU LIVED
IN YOUR CAR YOU'D
BE HOME BY NOW

HAVE YOU
BELTED YOUR KIDS?

WHATEVER YOU DO
DO NOT LOOK IN
YOUR REARVIEW MIRROR

BRAKE! BRAKE!
NEVER MIND.
MY BAD.

END ROAD WORK
I MEAN IT.
END IT NOW!

DO THIS
DON'T DO THAT --
CAN'T YOU READ?

BRINKS TRUCK
SPILL AHEAD
EXPECT DELAYS

DETOUR AHEAD:
HARBOR TUNNEL
UNDER WATER

NON-TEXT PORTIONS
OF THIS MESSAGE
HAVE BEEN REMOVED

TUNE RADIO TO AM
FOR POOR
SOUND QUALITY

KEEP KICKING YOUR
BROTHER -- DAD CANT
TURN THE CAR AROUND

HITTING STATE
INSECT: $200 FINE

PUT DOWN THE PHONE
NOW AND NO ONE
WILL GET HURT

3 CAR CRASH AHEAD
1 IS FLIPPED
BEST VIEW LEFT LANE

WASHINGTON 1
NEW YORK 229
WP: GLAVINE LP: ORTIZ

2 RDS DIVERGE,
SORRY YOU
CANNOT TRAVEL BOTH

HEY YOU IN THE H2
PULL OVER SO WE
ALL CAN SMACK YOU

ALL LANES
EXACT CHANGE
TOLL 1.95

HONK IF YOU'RE IN
AN UNMARKED CAR

YOU IN THE PORSCHE!
YOU GONNA LET THAT
PRIUS PASS YOU?

I'M JUST DOING THIS
TILL I GET A GIG AS
A BROADWAY MARQUEE

IN CASE OF RAPTURE
HELP YOURSELF TO
UNATTENDED VEHICLES

ORDER 8X10S NOW
OF YOUR TRAFFIC
VIOLATION PHOTO

ROCK 1 MI
FOREIGN POLICY 2 MI
HARD PLACE 3 MI

DAYS SINCE LAST
SIGN-FALLING
ACCIDENT: 02

EXITING DC
KEEP FAR RIGHT
NEXT 2500 MI

RIGHT LANE ENDS
500 INCHES

SLOW TO 45 MPH
WHEN DROPPING OFF
PASSENGERS

TIME: 417 PM
-- OR IT WAS WHEN
WE SET THIS THING

ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?

YOUR WAIT TIME TILL
NEXT ACCIDENT:
APPROX 4 MINUTES

GAS THIS EXIT --
MUST BE PRE-APPROVED
FOR FINANCING

COULD SOMEONE
PLEASE EXPLAIN
TODAY'S ZIPPY?

CONSTRUCTION AHEAD
A BIG DELAY EXPECTED
MEN WRITING HAIKU

THRU TRAFFIC KEEP LEFT
HAHA! LIKE U R MOVING!
I CRACK MYSELF UP!

NO HUMMERS
PERMITTED
PLEASE BUCKLE UP

ANY OF YOU KNOW
HOW TO TURN OFF
THE CAPS LOCK?

You're On The Correct Side Of The Road - Good Job!

Slippery When Not Tactile

No Parking, Necking, or Handholding

Drive Slowly In The Left Lane

Don't Signal Your Turn

Leave Your Turn Signal On

Up-To-Date Road Conditions: Text 5*(Q_4~//&(*$)3KONE)(*&^&

Men Standing Around

Snow Emergency (wait ...)

STOP - 3 Way - with your Aunt Mabel

merge with river ahead

maximum speed 0 mph

Adopt A Highway: Designed by Longfellow Elementary

next rest stop: got a cup?

cross traffic does not stop; polite drivers don't slow down much, either

freeway ends 1500 feet. really. we MEAN it this time. grab that rosary, you're done.

North 35W: follow South 35W 18,000 miles

now entering Minnesota: put wallet in basket ahead

THIS WAY TO THE EGRESS

DON'T FORGET, IT'S COLD IN MINNESOTA -- EXCEPT IN SEPTEMBER WHEN ITS HOT AND HUMID

YOU KNOW, WALTER MONDALE LOST 49 STATES

YOU COULD EXIT HERE, BUT THEN YOU'D BE GOING IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION THAN YOU ARE CURRENTLY TRAVELING IN

NEXT EXIT, 1/2 A MILE BACK

a colonoscopy checkpoint.

a town full of humorless pedants.

irritability.

The 21st century!

There was an old Jack Paar book my parents had, and one of the chapters was merely a cartoon of a road sign stating "Bridge Out. Slow to 60."

"R.T. Rybak Would Would Have Preferred a Lightrail Track on This Bridge. Just Saying."

Instead of the different shapes, colors, and wordings on all the various warning signs, we could simplify things greatly and save a bunch of money:

DON'T CRASH

SAFE CURVES LAST 25 MILES

LEFT EXIT RIGHT AHEAD

FREEWAY ENDS...NOW

IRRATIONAL PAVEMENT AHEAD

RIGHT LANE CLOSED?

WESTBOUND NORTH LANE EAST: J-TURN AHEAD

The State of Anarchy Welcomes You! Drive safely.

SPEED LIMIT 25, BUT YOU GOT THESE YOUNG GUYS WITH THEIR PICKUP TRUCKS THAT THINK THEY GOTTA GO 50 MILE AN HOUR DOWN THE ALLEY WHILE THEY'RE TALKIN' ON A CELL PHONE, SO BE CAREFUL BECAUSE IT'S GETTIN' SO IT'S NOT EVEN SAFE TO BACK YOUR CAR OUTTA THE GARAGE JUST TO WASH IT. MAYBE YOU OUGHTA JUST STAY HOME, DONTCHA KNOW?

On my way home from our County Fair I needed to take I-5 north. There was road construction on the on-ramp, so this helpful sign was posted:

"NORTH 5 USE SOUTH 5"

I am not making this up. I wish I had had my camera with me!

At an intersection:

NO OUTLET
4-WAY

WARNING
BRIDGE MAY BE SLIPPERY

Then, a second sign:

AND THEN AGAIN
IT MAY NOT

It is a gross misdemeanor for idiots to use turn signals
It is a felony for morons to use snow brushes

Caution guard rail damage.
“Damn, that’s the spot I was gonna wreck my car.”
It's really funny how often you see this one.Can someone please explain the reason behind this.

Watch for low flying aircraft.
What are you gonna do if you see one?
Drive into the guard rail? Beter hope it's at an undamaged spot.

Years and years ago, I was driving through Yosemite National Park and saw this unhelpful warning sign:

EXFOLIATING ROCK

I was in a state of wonder until I got home several days later, and had access to a dictionary.

A few years later, I again drove through Yosemite planning to take a picture of the sign. However, it had been replaced by the more understandable "Falling Rock."

LAST EXIT BEFORE BRIDGE

EXIT CLOSED

BRIDGE CLOSED

AUSFART

(exit in German, couldn't find Ausfart on map and very confused for a while)

They actually have something quite similar to this in Melbourne, Australia. It's "Left Lane Right Turn Only" (It's to avoid middle-laned street cars)

There should be signs upon entering Minnesota that read:

In the winter:

DANGER - SNOW COULD COVER THIS ROAD AT ANY MOMENT

In the summer:

DANGER - THIS ROAD COULD BE DETOURED AT ANY MILE

In a construction area near my house where they're building a shopping center, one will first encounter a sign that says LEFT LANE CLOSED. About two-tenths of a mile later, another one says RIGHT LANE CLOSED. (There are only two lanes on each side of this road, so this would tend to imply some sort of a slalom situation.)

The really funny thing is that neither lane is actually closed at the moment.

In Maryland, up on the mountains on I-70, as soon as they add a lane on the right you see this sign:

LANE ENDS 2000 FEET.

Oh. So I guess I shouldn't even bother using this lane then. I'm not making this up.

Around here, any time the terror warning level gets tinkered with, they put "REPORT SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY - CALL 1-8somethingoranother-TIPS".

Of course, we have this one too:

RIGHT LANE MAY TURN ON RED. LEFT LANE MAY NOT TURN ON RED.

This (or a sign to this effect) is on one of our roads, where there are two right turn lanes.

BEWARE OF AGRESSIVE DRIVERS. (Are they going to jump out of trees or something?) I've seen this a lot.

Here's a few additions to the fictional road sign category:

THIS BRIDGE IS AWESOME.

THIS SIGN HAS SHARP EDGES. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE EDGES OF THIS SIGN (following in small print on bottom) Also, the bridge is out ahead. (Stole this one from the intarwebs).

I THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT OTHER ROAD.

I'm still amazed when I drive I-94 in Wisconsin, from Milwaukee to Chicago, and I see this:

BONG REC AREA
NEXT EXIT

That's pretty progressive for a state that doesn't have any medical marijuana laws, to my knowledge.

OK, I know Bong was a WW2 hero, but if you don't know that, it always seems like some college humor was involved in naming the area.

Other ideas:

HITCHHIKER XING
NEXT 5 MILES

PAVEMENT BLOW-UPS
WHEN LIGHT IS FLASHING

NO LEFT TURN BETWEEN 4 PM AND 6 PM
I MEAN IT, NOW! I'M TALKING TO YOU!

Jacob

Actual signage from this weekend in San Antonio: There was construction, so the lanes merged down to just one lane on the left. Then:

LEFT LANE CLOSED
MERGE RIGHT

Augh!

O HAI

I HAS UR LANES

ROAD NEXT 40 MILES

WATCH FOR FALLING

ONE WAY BRIDGE AHEAD

I always wondered why they took the time to put up a sign about a bump, rather than just fixing the bump.

ALIEN ABDUCTION
NEXT 10 MILES

Seen in the U.P.:

DO NOT PASS WHEN OPPOSING TRAFFIC IS PRESENT

Seems kinda obvious to me. This is always posted in one of the truck passing lanes along Route 2. I guess you can use the other direction's passing lane to pass, but only when there are no vehicles coming towards you. Um yeah, OK. Speaking of the U.P., I actually went to Treasure City in Manistique, MI on Saturday. How is James able to read my mind, and post such personally relevant topics? This seems to happen every week. And what is with exit signs in Wisconsin? They like to put them literally right next to where the off ramp starts. There is rarely a sign that your exit is coming up. You just see the exit at the last second, and have to jam on the brakes and wrench the wheel to make your ramp. Crazy cheeseheads. I've seen those Bong Recreation Area signs. They are seriously bolted down to prevent theft.

Chris the Crab

This is not my own, but my mother clipped the following from a magazine years ago and we no longer remember where it came from:

Just think of the money our nation could save
If our children were taught, in a primary grade,
To memorize this one simple ode:
"ALL BRIDGES ICE BEFORE ROAD"

"END CONSTRUCTION"

Oh, sure ... it's what we all pray for, and EVERYbody wants it. But NObody ever does it!

A few of the best ones we found in England:

ONCOMING TRAFFIC IN CENTRE OF ROAD

CATS EYES REMOVED
(this refers to those reflective dots in the middle of the road, but, placed just outside a pub, it looks alarming)

A few of the best ones we found in England:

ONCOMING TRAFFIC IN CENTRE OF ROAD

CATS EYES REMOVED
(this refers to those reflective dots in the middle of the road, but, placed just outside a pub, it looks alarming)

You'll find those 2000 foot lanes EVERYWHERE out west but there is a good reason. They are for passing trucks that are going extremely slowly uphill or downhill through those mountain roads.

I'm glad they are there because there isn't much more annoying than being stuck behind a semi going 5 miles per hour up a 7% grade.

Diverse road surface ahead

Multicultural merging lane

Slow quota driver in all lanes

On a perfectly normal road in the Czech Republic, you could see a sign: CAUTION! FREQUENT ACCIDENTS HAPPEN ON THIS ROAD STRETCH! I always figured that there would be one or two (probably beer-related) accidents originally, and the rest would happen after the sign was put in, to the people who - instead of concentrating on driving - would start to look around to see why the heck this place should be so dangerous.
My brother and I as kids would often amuse ourselves in the car by drawing cartoons on that subject - like a highway ending abruptly at the edge of a cliff, with the aforementioned sign in the foreground.

The other one I like is when there's a whole series of bumps, but there's only the sign by one of them (and it's not usually the worst one!)

This one's at the entrance to a downtown Minneapolis parking ramp:

WHEN THE RAMP IS FULL THERE IS NO WAITING

Now, I would think that when the ramp is full, is exactly the time you would have to wait. OK, I know what they meant....

Sounds kind of like a translation from another language:

"When ramp is full, the condition of waiting will not be allowed".

SUGGESTED SPEED LIMIT 60. BUT YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

SLOW TRAFFIC STAY RIGHT. THAT WAY WE CAN TELL THE LIBERALS FROM THE CONSERVATIVES.

SHARP CURVES. YEAH, WE KNOW IT OXYMORONIC.

TRUCK
ON A
TRIANGLE

Every day driving I-94 from Wisconsin, I see the large yellow sign: STEEP HILL. I keep looking around for the "steep hill" and have never seen it.

Why do they need a warning when it's UPHILL anyway?

YOU WILL LIKELY NEVER GET TO TELECOMMUTE.

FOR YOUR SAFETY, THIS BRIDGE WILL BE INSPECTED TWICE AS FREQUENTLY AS THE LAST ONE. THAT SHOULD SHOW IT.

BRIDGE BUILT TO WITHSTAND DRIVERS' WEIGHTS AS REPORTED ON LICENSES. AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT A POUND OVER, WE SHOULD ALL BE OK.

AMBER ALERT - MY EX-GIRLFRIEND AMBER HAS MY LAPTOP, AND I WANT IT BACK.

No U-turn(at exactly the spot where you could make one)
Dip in road-why don't they just fix the dip so the dip would no longer be.