There is no news today. We’ve run out. Sorry; come back tomorrow. We’re expecting a shipment around noon, but we can’t guarantee it’ll be Grade-A news – could be that weird stuff packed with sawdust and Chinese anti-freeze and other fillers and extenders. Today, we have news like this, ripped raw from the paper’s website:
Wow: I bet she hasn’t moved her lips that much since her last eye exam. Another story: "Twin Cities priest moves to Superior, Wis." It’s like the social page of the newspaper that served my grandparents’ rural community: Mrs. Homer Williamson paid a visit on Mrs. Harley Torgenson Sunday afternoon. That would be printed in the paper as social news. As a kid I found this somewhat disturbing; it seemed like a warning, somehow. We know where you are. You’d want to look in the bushes for a guy in a fedora with a Speed Graphic camera, ready to snap a picture of Ester Johnson deciding not to use the good silverware for Helen Peterson, because the last time she came over she seemed to imply that the cake was a little dry. Whatta scoop!
Favorite quote in Matt McKinney’s piece on General Mills’ latest financial results: “Still, many analysts believe that American shave had their fill of cereal. ‘Everyone who is going to eat cereal is already eating as much as they can,’ sad Jean Kinsey, co-director of the Food Industry Center at the University of Minnesota.” You have an image of people shoveling in the corn flakes until they resemble over-stuffed yard-waste bags. But don’t count cereal out quite yet. Market saturation is the mother of invention. Behold: the cereal-based drinking straw. Just in case the kids aren’t getting that extra pound of sugar the Society for the Promotion of Subsequent Dental Distress recommends.
Anti-war float in Fourth of July parade. Appropriate? You could argue that it’s wrong to keep political speech out of a Fourth of July parade; after all the very parade implies an endorsement of American independence, which is a political statement. Everything’s political. Well, no. Everything isn’t political. Sometimes a cigar is just an overt phallic substitute, not a protest against anti-smoking laws. In any case, the float will not change minds, anymore than an Army recruitment float would reorder the priorities of those who oppose the war. Bumperstickers, floats, and standing on a streetcorner with a sign do not change people’s minds. Especially bumperstickers. I’ve never understood the desire to plaster one’s car with political messages; it’s like printing off your favorite blog post and taping it to the seat of your pants.
Speaking of bumperstickers: there's a grand Friday afternoon thread. Favorite bumperstickers, or most annoying bumperstickers. "Visualize Whirled Peas" was clever when we first saw it, but trust me: not something you want to read when you're car sick. Because you will visualize whirled peas, and that's not helpful at all.
I should be in line for the iPhone. Yet I am not. This is painful. I imagine the line is out the door already. I’ll never get one. Or will I? Remember: tune into Buzz.mn tonight for photos and video from the Mall of America Apple Store; I’ll be there when the iPhone descendeth from heaven and cures the halt and the lame. It plays YouTube videos, too.
UPDATE: We take back everything we said about the lack of news.
My favorive bumper sticker.
Here's my favorite bumper sticker.
Link